It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Thursday, June 24, 2004
withers away @ 12:06 pm

heehee here to slack again! a little more satisfied with my speed of mugging. almost finished chem ytd. but i know that i can't finish bio. but econs sure die. heehee. ok maybe i shouldnt be too satisfied. ok. and oh bea told me she burned me a cd with DeG, kagrra and miyavi in it!! booboo love u! heez but u know u need to write a song list at least so i know what i'm listening to and by who. if not i will get confused yah haha. if u wish u can write out the lyrics too haha. but we can settle this later.
people's actions are influenced by their expectations. people respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
i got that from the sloman textbk.. haha interesting..
shei xu yao shei
bai yun he lan tian
yi wei cai you mei hao de hua mian
da feng yi chui
li de bing bu yuan
xia ci jian mian yi qian dou ji de na gan jue
fang cai bi lian tian
yong yuan de hua mian
dang wo xiang nian bi shang shuang yan
ni zai wo xin li mian

yong yuan de hua mian by a*mei

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, June 22, 2004
withers away @ 12:38 pm

mugged in sch ytd with joan, lg and beabu. saw cyn at kap!! heehee.. mugged until 1.30 ytd. just refused to sleep and kept mugging though i didn't mug much since i couldn't concentrate yet again. haha and again i couldn't concentrate so i'm here blogging! haha. but anyway i guess no matter how hard i study i won't be able to finish mugging so.. ok nvm i'll just try.
and i think i know why i can't sleep ytd and could mug until so late. TOTCHI!!! TOTCHITOTCHITOTCHITOTCHI!!!!!!!
well just felt like writing the whole song here.. hmmm cun zai by 5566.
ni shuo zhe
wo ting zhe
xiang hai lang da zhe
sha tan shao zhe
ni de you shang da yu kuai le
lian cai hong dou zhi sheng xia yi zhong yan se

wo ting zhe
ni shuo zhe
xiang dao zi hua de
yin yin tong zhe
jiu yin wei ai mei you gui ze
suo yi xin tong le si le hui bu qu le

dan shi wo cun zai zhe
wo yi zhi cun zai zhe
he ni yi qi de zhao pian reng zai wo de shou ji shang tie zhe
ai hui yong yuan yong yuan
ni shuo de
li kai wo de shi hou
que mei she bu de

wo zhen de cun zai zhe
wo yi zhi cun zai zhe
bu guan shi feng de qi de wo shou zhe wo jin jin shou wo zhe
sha sha de pei zhe shou zhe zheng ming ni zhi de
dan wo hui xiao zhe yin wei yi qie dou zhi de

It's something Mystical

Sunday, June 20, 2004
withers away @ 11:48 pm

went for cip today. joan and yang didn't go in the end. wasn't really fun (how fun can cip get?) but got loads of books home! haha. it was going at such a cheap price (10 for $1). how can we resist the temptation? haha. ok can't blog much. i still want to mug. mugged until 1 ytd. gosh. problem with me is i need a damn long time before i can really concentrate. and when i really concentrate i chiong like mad. but by the time i can really concentrate its always time to do something like bathe or eat dinner. haiz. that's why i study late into the night. nobody will disturb me this way. but it's difficult to stay focused at night. mind still drifts. certain things are still left unsettled. don't feel v secure about them. how will the outcome be like? i wonder. prayer helps. i believe.
xiang mai fu zai jie tou de mou zhong qi xi
wu yi jian jing guo ba wang ri xiao yu lei gou qi
hu ran xin tong de wu fa zai ya yi
yuan lai cong wei wang ji

melody by tao zhe

It's something Mystical

Friday, June 18, 2004
withers away @ 11:02 pm

didn't accomplish anything much today. just couldn't concentrate. mind kept drifting everywhere else but mugging. shit. i have to mug! so i don't think i'll come online that often. wrote out all the topics to be tested for all subjects on a sheet of paper. just scared the hell out of me. how am i going to finish mugging all that when i don't even have 10 days?
zhen xin hui gei ren li qi
chuan yue guo suo you de ju li
dai ling wo men zou jin yong yuan li

belief by s.h.e

It's something Mystical

Thursday, June 17, 2004
withers away @ 10:34 pm

i studied some chem! yea! ok i'm mad. take it that i am. but still not too sure about the stuff i studied. i regret not listening to the lectures. now i don't even know what i'm writing. and i missed the one and only chem tut on chemical equilibria, because of music night. ah well not that i wanted to go for chem on that day haha. but that's not the point. i need to make some sense out of it. i guess i'm just too tired today. heez.
yin wei wo hui xiang qi ni
wo hai pa mian dui zi ji
wo de yi zhi zong bei ji mo tun shi
yin wei ni zong hui ti xing
guo qu zong bu hui guo qu
you zhong zhen ai bu shi wo de

ai by karen mok

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 9:53 am

we just finished guitar auditions. i made so many damn mistakes when we were practising. i didnt have time to prac ytd after coming back so late after pw. oh well talk abt pw. we are quite dead. how? we went out for the whole day ytd from morning till night. we had this discussion group thing in the morning. didn't turn out the way we thought it would. in the end we paused the tape recorder and told them what we wanted it to be like. but we decided it was pointless trying to fake the discussion group content. so we thought we had to change the impact since we couldn't change the trend now. if we changed it now its almost equals to us redoing the whole thing. and ms tan will KILL us for sure. but we couldn't really think of anything much. oh yah derek tan came over too. and tried to help us. oh well. then we decided we need to do research. damnit. and then we went to j8 to do survey. more specifically try to find old people to survey, since we were going orchard later. it was difficult. and we had to translate our questions on the spot. wasn't a v nice experience. and the people i tried to get either daoed me or got scared off. gosh. am i that scary? oh yah met emster in j8 haha. she helped me with some surveys too. hee thx:) then later we went to orchard to meet hoone(barney) and he looked so dazed. well he didn't look like he knew what he was doing and he continued to be like this for the rest of the day. made me and his other jies quite worried. but anyway we only finished the survey late into the night, although i told my mum that i would go home after dinner. sad case. but anyway we managed to finish most of our surveys, leaving the rest to hoone and weepz to bring to camp to give to their juniors. oh yah forgot to say that weepz came over for dinner and helped us give out survey forms too. ok by the time i reached home it was v late. 10+. by the time i finished bathing and everything: 11. i was so tired i fell asleep sitting down. by the time i woke up: 12. i was so tired i changed position and slept again. by the time i woke up: 1. mum woke up and asked me to sleep. i had to practise my guitar. so i took it out and pressed the frets without strumming. nearly fell asleep. and so today my auditions sorta sucked.
well we came at 8 to practise guitar. thank god. if not i wouldnt have known that i forgot about the F# in G scale. gosh. i only started to practise my set piece, which is twinkle twinkle little star (same for bea and lg hahaz) this morning. gosh. in the end yiming told us the lg got the highest mark but all of us did ok. just hope i don't get kicked out that's all.
oh gosh. cts. i haven't studied a damn thing. i must start. how many times have i said this? gosh.
can time just stop now? why do things have to change? why does life suck like this, why?
wo hui fa zhe dai
ran hou wang ji ni
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
xiang zhe na yi tian
hui you ren dai ti
rang wo bu zai xiang nian ni

wo hui fa zhe dai
ran hou wei wei xiao
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
you xiang le yi bian
ni wen rou de lian
zai wo wang ji zhi qian

gui ji by jay

It's something Mystical

Monday, June 14, 2004
withers away @ 11:43 pm

why must we have common tests and pw!! argh. i think i'm slacking really too much. i haven't even started mugging. oh gosh. oh damn what have i been doing. i don't care i must make myself start tml. even if it means just reading through the notes.
poor weepz and lk. wonder what i can do to help them. nothing. ok. nvm. just hope they will somehow survive.
and blur stupid me left my toothbrush in el's house! oh gosh. i'm so absentminded haha. and forgot to give cyn her survey too. stupid. haiz. haha.
let's just drop dead. haha. ok not funny. ok don't need to worry about me. just getting excessively stressed i guess. as long as i start studying tml i think i'll be fine. i hope. haha.
wo ba er fen zhi yi de ni
cang zai ji yi li
kan zhe ni xing fu mu yang
tian shi de xiao
jiu suan zai ku wo dou yuan yi

shi xin feng by zhang shan wei

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 12:09 am

haha. realized singapore is so small. char is in mervyn's group for pre-u sem! haha. saw the photo on his blog and just read her tag on his tagboard. hahaz. just makes me think how everything seems to work in a circle.
yoohoo the sleepover was vvvv fuN!! love u guys man muacks. of course most of the fun came in at night. played with the telescope for a while, looking at stars and others' houses, eating, dancing. all done in total darkness at the rooftop. lovely. i would have loved it better if it was on open space. no buildings to cover up the night sky. pity there wasn't a moon. if not we would have seen the close up on the telescope.
after we thought we played enough, we went back to el's room. and had loads of fun until about 2 or 3? we ate and talked crap and what not. oh we piled on top of each other muahahaha. that was fuN! we somehow just had a lot of energy. oh yah i need to tell you this lg. i told them about the yah u know what. the thing you were trying to hard to tell bea bea.. yah yah you know what i'm talking about right? yes you do.
talked with cyn until v late. i wonder what time. and she fell asleep first. i didn't want to sleep. i had so much to think. but in the end i slept. haha of course.
and we had to wake up at the horrendous time of 8. i couldn't wake up. of course. i didn't feel v good. well how good could i have felt if i felt like fainting and vomitting the day before out of the blue plus 4h of sleep? plus the pw that i was going to have right after that. oh my. but anyway still got up.
nearly fainted again because of the late lunch. super late lunch. but eventually survived. did pw in starbucks at far east. stayed there for the whole afternoon. we didn't feel really good about not buying anything and still sitting there, so we popped over to bk. haha. meeting again on thurs. discussion group. oh my. goodness gracious. i just realized that we forgot about getting the whole group of people pass the security guard. we'll settle that later. some day.
then immediately went out for dinner. i'm tired. oh gosh how can i not be?
i don't know what you should do. i seriously frankly don't. i'm still looking for the answer. i wonder where to find it. can i find it on time? or is there even an answer to it?
i hope all of us somehow survives. i wonder how haha.
need to start mugging. seriously. damnation.
dan yuan ni de yan jing
zhi kan de dao xiao rong
dan yuan ni liu de mei yi di lei
dou rang ren gan dong
dan yuan ni yi hou mei yi ge meng
bu hui yi chang kong

ren jian by faye

It's something Mystical

Friday, June 11, 2004
withers away @ 11:15 pm

tml's sleepover!!! yeah!!! *prays hard that it won't rain* we want to see stars using el's telescope!! heehee.. just hope that i will enjoy myself for the next two days, before plunging right into pw after that.. awwwww
ok there's nothing much to say. i rot at home everyday doing work. what's there to say?
i just hope everything will turn out fine. i don't know what the result will be like. i wonder. i hope. i pray.
wo ji le zhang ka pian
di zhi shi gan jue
shou xin ren jiao yong yuan
xiang shi ni you di lai yi bei re ka fei
sheng huo you le ni de wen rou tiao wei

xu yuan

It's something Mystical

Thursday, June 10, 2004
withers away @ 11:27 pm

nothing much happened. still working on maths and bio. told ya, nothing interesting happens without my friends haha. my life revolves around homework, music, and the vcd i'm trying to finish watching-all in. oh my how boring can my life get. i miss singing. ok i shouldn't start about this again.
wo men dou mei cuo
zhi shi bu shi he
wo yao de
wo xian zai cai dong de
xuan ze shi wo de
bu shi ni gei de
ji mo yao zi ji fu ze

ning meng cao de wei dao by jolin

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, June 08, 2004
withers away @ 10:43 pm

it's qing yang's birthday!! hahaz. and i realized that stupid us forgot about the birthday song so i shall sing it here. *ah yang, imagine the tune yourself k haha* happy birthday to u, happy birthday to u, happy birthday to qing yang, happy birthday to u.. yeah.. *throws imaginary confetti*
we had a nice gang gathering:) swensens is nice! but it made me and joan real full haha. oh and v long never play pool. today although only played one lousy game but nvm. at least we played haha. then we went to take neoprint. it turned out to be v small haha. had an enjoyable time though i was tired. pity lg and jc weren't here. poor thing.
i'm tired. i'm really tired. slept while waiting for pool table at ssc. haha. i just hope i have time to do what i want to do. i look at weepz and barney i feel so sad for them. they don't even have time to mug! sad case loh. i look at them also dunno what to do to help.
what am i to do what am i to do what am i to do?
outside it's now raining
and tears are falling from my eyes
why did it have to happen
why did it all have to end

big big world

It's something Mystical

Monday, June 07, 2004
withers away @ 10:41 pm

God will make a way
where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
hold me closely to His side
with love and strength for each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

this song made me feel better on sunday. on sat i felt rotten. thoroughly rotten. i felt that i was so damn insensitive to cyn. later in the night i felt better. sunday during mass i heard the song and felt even better. now i feel much better. but still sad over something. hiya nvm. one month. i see the truth staring at me. haiz.

It's something Mystical

Friday, June 04, 2004
withers away @ 8:27 pm

ok what should i say. today after chem we did pw. then casie was hungry so pw grp minus me went to eat. i just felt like mugging. so ended up doing maths in sch with lg. weepz came and went came and went and ended up doing maths with us. later when lk aka dino aka barney aka hoone (oh my which one should i use.. hmmm), casie and joanne came back and i felt like continuing to do my MI. but of course i couldnt be so bad. so did pw until want to die. whenever we plunge seriously into pw we crack our brains until we are going to die. but at least we get things done. joan came. then wee pin left. mang juin went home and came back and he was so surprised we were still doing pw hahaha.. then we decided to come online to discuss pw tonight. like now. haha. then played cards with joan and lg. we just started playing then hito called me. in the end went to kap to play cards together. 2 ppl came up to us and asked us to do some survey.. started asking stuff like how we know each other and for how long. and it's so funny that joan and hito don't even know each other's names and they are already sitting next to each other laughing and playing cards together haha. later lg left. weepz came. and we all left. oh i made joan and weepz introduce themselves to hito. haha. finally they officially know each other. that's what happened today. haha quite fun. and next tues will be more fun! going out with the gang minus jc. then on fri-sleepover!!! oh my how long have i waited for this day!!! *hugs el* yoohooooooooo ok i'm turning mad someone help me. haha we were going mad during lecture today anyway. right joan? haha.
ok shall not think of lyrics to write today. gotta do pw. i need to concentrate:)

It's something Mystical

Thursday, June 03, 2004
withers away @ 11:03 pm

i really do realize i only have a life when friends are around. oh damnit i've grown so used to stoning with the gang. oh no.. is it good or bad? haha. maybe growing too dependent on people is no good. but how much is too much? ok i'm talking rot. but i still like to stone in sch. i miss the sl. i'm sure lg misses it too haha. sl, a bunch of friends and a pack of cards make our day. haha. but anyway i think i seriously need to start mugging. i haven't started! i need to work out some sort of a schedule. i need time to do all my stuff and first to catch up. oh no. i better hurry. hmmm. i will survive the cts! haha.
nan dao wo jiu zhe yang guo wo de yi sheng
wo de wen zhu ding wen bu dao zui ai de ren
wei ni deng cong yi kai shi deng dao xian zai
ye tong yang luo de bu ke neng

cong kai shi dao xian zai by zhang xin zhe

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, June 02, 2004
withers away @ 9:40 pm

rotting at home doing more maths. ok i realize that my life is quite boring without my friends. how sad. hahaz.
and my mum just entirely spoilt my mood by pmsing. saying that i sleep too late and i use com for too long. and that i leave my homework there and use the com. wth.
but whatever the case here's a nice song. i hate to say this but who gives a damn about my mum. all mums in general. most mums don't understand what their children are going through. nvm. i think i may be pmsing too.

i don't have to say a word to you
you seem to know whatever mood i'm going through
feel as though i've known you forever

you can look into my eyes and see
the way i feel and how the world is treating me
maybe i have known you forever

Chorus:
amigos para siempre means you'll always be my friend
amigos para siempre means a love that cannot end
friends for life not just a summer or a spring
amigos para siempre

i feel you near me even when we are apart
just knowing you are in this world can warm my heart
friends for life not just a summer or a spring
amigos para siempre

we share memories i won't forget
and we'll share more my friend we havent started yet
something happens when we're together

when i look at you i wonder why
there has to come a time when we must say goodbye
i'm alive when we are together

Chorus

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, June 01, 2004
withers away @ 10:01 pm

haha looks like everyone likes my new layout! yeah! credits goes to el! haha. what i've been doing for hols is maths and more maths. nothing but maths. as usual. i look at bio and faint. but i still need to face it someday. and stupid lg is finishing her hwk. as usual. at the speed she works. but nvm she needs to do work continuously to keep her mind off stuff. and i rule ok for recognizing elva's voice for you haha. anyway going for sleepover at el's house next week! yeah! ok guess i better go do other stuff now.

somewhere out there
beneath the pale moonlight
someone's thinking of me
and loving me tonight

somewhere out there
someone saying a prayer
that we'll find one another
in that big somewhere out there

and even though i know how very far apart we are
it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
and when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

somewhere out there
if love can see us through
then we'll be together
somewhere out there
out where dreams come true

somewhere out there (brings back my memories of nyc.. hmm)

It's something Mystical